Hours passed, days passed and still no news. I was getting desperate for news and physically ill that I received none. I convinced myself that he had changed and something bad had happened to him. I didn’t want to believe that the man I loved and adored could do this to me yet again that he would let me and our daughter down so badly. There was no way that someone who professed to love us abandon us in this way. My sixth sense and intuition spoke a different language to my heart.
My heart cried and begged for deliverance of the man I called my husband. I reached out to my therapist in support of this man, I reached out to my friends to call hospitals and police stations. I contacted his boss. Surely they would help, considering he was driving their company vehicle. “Wake up Kay” “smell the roses” his boss told me, this man is fine. “Is he having an affair” they asked. I was horrified, I had my suspicions, and still I said I didn’t think so, my response weak. My head spinning, the tears flowed uncontrollably. I was on my knees praying, asking God to please keep him safe while in my mind, every inch of me believed that he was up to no good.
My better judgement of course said “pull yourself together” this man does not love you. This is not what love should feel like.
By the Sunday when I had still not heard anything, I asked my sister to fetch my daughter and helper, I felt so exposed, exposed that I didn’t and don’t trust my sisters husbands to be around my daughter, yet I had no choice but to ask my sister to help. I was only too relieved when my mum stepped in to take care of my baby girl.
I was in God’s hands, there was no doubt. An angel in the form of a colleague was sent onto the project. She was an absolute God Send in every way.
During the awaking days, I had just enough strength to deliver on work commitments, and at night I would completely break down. On about the 4th day, after hearing that he had crossed the border to Swaziland, I managed to reach him on his sister’s phone. He answered, he sounded distant, he didn’t want to speak to me, I tried to keep calm, and I just wanted to understand what was going on. All I remember him saying in that conversation was “I have gone back to my old ways” and “I told you I couldn’t change”. He ended with saying he would call me.
I was confused, the few words he murmured was nothing in comparison to his silence which spoke volumes. In all honestly I was praying for this day, the day I would have an excuse to leave him for good, that moment had come, only now I didn’t know how to deal with it. My heart was relieved that he was okay. I remember praying, saying thank you God for keeping him safe, in the same prayer, I prayed for the truth to set me free.
How was it possible to love and hate someone with such intensity? My rationale self, kept saying, ‘Kay he didn’t only abandon you, he abandoned your little baby girl too” and that was not acceptable, never mind that he had broken your nose and pushed you around violently more times than you choose to remember, that didn’t matter, what mattered most is that he had left my baby, every maternal instinct kicked in. How could any parent with a conscience do this!!!!! It was through the grace of God, the angels that God had surrounded me during this time (far and near) and my beautiful children that I found the strength within to continue the next few weeks abroad.