I am Mum !

It’s been a while since I have written.  Taking one’s own advice is never as easy as giving it. In this case I often spread the gospel about the power of releasing negativity through writing, so finally months later  I am about to take my own advice.

Having moved home, started a new project at work and survived my 20 year school reunion, amongst a few other adventures whilst attempting to be super mom,  it  dawned on me that there are still many chapters to write, life gone by, life lived and life for living.

After a year of rebuilding, learning more about myself, slowing down was never on the agenda… and yet it really should be!

As the words escape me, and the basis for this story seems all over the place, that sort of reminds me of the way my life feels like at this present juncture. I am everywhere yet nowhere, who am I… what is my purpose in Life….. How many of us ponder on those thoughts, years pass and years to come…. some are fortunate enough to find answers and some are not … there is one thing I know for sure… I’m not about to give up looking for the purpose that God has destined me for.

My thoughts run away to distant lands… the laughter of my children and the pain of a broken heart. There are days when I still feel the warm rain against my face as I walk in the streets of Stone town Zanzibar. To this date I cannot explain the experience, of finding my soul and being ripped away from it at the same time.  More and more I feel like I don’t belong in South Africa, the people around me are no longer familiar, the streets seem more foreign than ever before, I live robotically into each day and night … the only emotion I have is as a mum to my kids, their existence lifts me with reasons to do more, to be more, to build that legacy for them, yet in doing so I lose something priceless, I lose time. Lost in progress I miss the moments lost to play with them, laugh with them, a luxury I long for.  How many single or even married parents feel this strain and how can we balance giving them everything without the sacrifice of time.  It’s the concept of living in time and not through time that speaks loudest to me. Make every moment count. The random, “I love you baby” “you are beautiful my child” “mummy is so proud of you” with a hug and kiss, there is so substitute for genuine love from a parent to child!

Even in my lost world, the one absolute surety I have is the role that I play as Mum in this world, and possible every after. #lifeisforliving

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