I never believed for a moment that I could be an addict, and yet I was… and in allot of ways I still am a recovering addict. Recovery of any sort of addiction is not an overnight process.
To get to the beginning we have to start at the end, and what an end it’s been. A chapter of my life that I will not forget. Saturday afternoon I eagerly await to receive a skype call from my husband and our baby girl. I was feeling anxious, I didn’t know why, just an absolute uneasiness. I called my husband to check on what time I can expect the call. I was miles away at the time, in Ireland on a work assignment. I couldn’t reach him… the uneasiness grew fiercely by the second….
The night past, my heart sank, no call or replies to my many messages. I had really hoped that he had changed, was this going to be the beginning of the end? My thoughts went to my baby girl who was alone with my helper. How this is going to break her heart.
I kept falling asleep and waking up in a cold sweat, I couldn’t cry, dammit I couldn’t even breathe for most parts.
Here I was, a profession women, established and respected by those I work with, on an international platform, completely losing control of my life through my long standing love addiction with my abusive husband/partner of five years.
I started writing, I started praying, I didn’t want to think the worst, and I desperately wanted to believe he changed. I kept thinking, what if he was in trouble, what if something happened to him, I didn’t want to believe that he was out getting high and abandoned our baby……………I pleaded with God to keep him safe, and yet at the back of my mind I wondered if him being dead would be easier to deal with that the truth.
My lip still throbbing in remembrance from the week before when I was home and he felt it necessary to assault me before my flight to Ireland. All these thoughts… I felt like I was going crazy, the love, the hate, the need for him to love me.
So why am I deciding to tell my story, I believe I was blinded by love, battered and bruised, with scars that tell a better story, and I hope that my life journey and experience will help others, male and female to save themselves before it’s too late. I was fortunate to get out, blessed is the more appropriate word. My stories are here as a reminder that no matter how difficult the situation you find yourself in, it’s never too late to recover, even when you feel you can’t go on and not strong enough, faith in God is all you need, believe, let go and trust
I write in testimony that our creator exists and if we pray and live through Gods values, our prayers will be answers.