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“The song I have, the words not yet”

Through my journey in life I have been blessed to meet so many amazing people, and am humbled at the amount of people that chose to stay in my life. This blog is different to any other that I have written. It’s written with passion on behalf of someone brave enough to share her story with me through a song! This experience has allowed me to step outside my comfort zone, so I thank you my dear for choosing me amidst my own chaos.

The chosen song by this beautiful soul is “Loves Divine” by Seal

I listened to the song and at first listen, felt my heart sink, and then I listened again, and couldn’t help but smile.

This is her story through a song!

People pass me every day and I come across as just an ordinary girl next door, yet behind the stillness that the world sees, there is chaos. A type of chaos that rocks my world beyond control. Who am I, and if you knew would you still love me? How can I lift the disguises?  Why did this happen? How did this happen?  So many questions and no answers. They say I have bipolar2, what does that even mean? Yet another question unanswered.

The hardest part is not my acceptance but how others accept me.  Yes I know it shouldn’t matter, yet it still does, so I reach out to the world, those close and near, love me for who I am.

Your love is my cure! Your patience with me is my daily dose of medication. Please don’t judge me on how I have been diagnosed. The condition doesn’t define me, its people that define me, and that’s not fair! Allow me to define myself to you.

Look into my soul, look into my eyes, I am in need like everyone else, with or without a condition. I need love and laughter just as much as the next person. Please don’t give me less because of how I have been diagnosed, I am just as worthy of love as the next person!

Allow me to be free with my speech, let me educate you on the reality of my normality! I am not a stigma! I am not capable of hurting you, I only want to show you how much I can love you. Let me live this life amongst you, as one of you, and not as an outsider looking in.

“Love is what I need to help me know my name”

 

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Back to Basics!

You would think that at 38 I would be wiser when it came to matters of the heart, if anything I think I might be even more naive now than ever before. So whatever happened to boy meets girl, they fall in love and live happily after?  The kind of love our parents and grandparents had. The shared struggle be it emotional or financial.

Flooded with thoughts of why I have gotten it wrong all these years, and thinking that maybe I haven’t, maybe society has.  Everyone that enters into a relationship these days, without doubt questions “what’s in it for me.” What if what’s in it is just Love, is that enough?  Maybe I am just a hopeless romantic waiting for my Prince Charming to come and wake me from my past hauntings.

Only I am very aware that my past hauntings scare most potential suitor’s away lol and it will take a strong God fearing man to find my heart and keep it. Whilst I write this I am having an interesting conversation about love with someone close to me. She is beside herself that her boyfriend wanted her to have lunch with his family, as I attempt to console her, I think what I wouldn’t give to have someone feel I’m important enough to have lunch with his family. The simple things we overlook because we want tangible proof of love. Love is not defined by chocolates, flowers, gifts or expensive dinners. Love for me is defined by thoughts beyond materialistic gestures.  It’s more of I will follow you to the ends of the earth no matter what! But hey if you find someone that gives you both, then you amongst the fortunate few.

I suppose the context of this blog is really to illustrate that we are all different and see expressions of love differently. So if he didn’t take you out today (Valentine’s Day), think about all the other times he did, the times he made you laugh just because, the times he held your hand when you were scared. The times he checked up on you just to make sure you arrived safe at your destination. Love is not clearly defined with a set of rules. Love is just that……it’s Free! To experience free love we must be willing to give love selflessly, with no boundaries, conditions or limitations. Love cannot survive unless it is free. The moment you question or doubt the love you giving or receiving, walk away.

My absolute favorite verse from the bible about love: 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong doing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

May we all be fortunate in this life to know love the way God intended us to. “My own will come to me under grace in a perfect way” because I am loved by the King of Kings! #aprincessinhiskingdom

 

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I am Mum !

It’s been a while since I have written.  Taking one’s own advice is never as easy as giving it. In this case I often spread the gospel about the power of releasing negativity through writing, so finally months later  I am about to take my own advice.

Having moved home, started a new project at work and survived my 20 year school reunion, amongst a few other adventures whilst attempting to be super mom,  it  dawned on me that there are still many chapters to write, life gone by, life lived and life for living.

After a year of rebuilding, learning more about myself, slowing down was never on the agenda… and yet it really should be!

As the words escape me, and the basis for this story seems all over the place, that sort of reminds me of the way my life feels like at this present juncture. I am everywhere yet nowhere, who am I… what is my purpose in Life….. How many of us ponder on those thoughts, years pass and years to come…. some are fortunate enough to find answers and some are not … there is one thing I know for sure… I’m not about to give up looking for the purpose that God has destined me for.

My thoughts run away to distant lands… the laughter of my children and the pain of a broken heart. There are days when I still feel the warm rain against my face as I walk in the streets of Stone town Zanzibar. To this date I cannot explain the experience, of finding my soul and being ripped away from it at the same time.  More and more I feel like I don’t belong in South Africa, the people around me are no longer familiar, the streets seem more foreign than ever before, I live robotically into each day and night … the only emotion I have is as a mum to my kids, their existence lifts me with reasons to do more, to be more, to build that legacy for them, yet in doing so I lose something priceless, I lose time. Lost in progress I miss the moments lost to play with them, laugh with them, a luxury I long for.  How many single or even married parents feel this strain and how can we balance giving them everything without the sacrifice of time.  It’s the concept of living in time and not through time that speaks loudest to me. Make every moment count. The random, “I love you baby” “you are beautiful my child” “mummy is so proud of you” with a hug and kiss, there is so substitute for genuine love from a parent to child!

Even in my lost world, the one absolute surety I have is the role that I play as Mum in this world, and possible every after. #lifeisforliving